Monday, June 9, 2014

The first days and weeks.

I have so many things I want to record right now.  The multitudes of 'firsts' for Alex, from his first foot print, to his first out of womb hiccups, to his first smile, the sweet moments of Colin kissing the baby gently (instead of attempting to rock him aggresively...), the memories of this time that I know will disappear before my eyes.

I have a million photos I want to take, a million words I want to write, a million things I want to remember.

These first days and weeks are beautiful.  Filled with a warm, soft, sweet baby sleeping on my chest and puncutated with the usually joyful voice of Colin asking for Mommy to come to various things.

But these first days and weeks are also hard.  My hormones surge and clash and my body works hard to recover from the long months of pregnancy, and the trauma of birth.  Some nights I lie away and don't understand why I can't sleep and feel guilty and worried because I know the baby will be up soon to eat, and not long after that Colin will be calling for me.  Some days I forget to eat and wind up cranky and weak and achy, wondering what's wrong with me.  Sometimes I snap at my husband, and often I'm super critical of myself, doubting that I can realy manage all of the blessings I've received in my life and feeling like I don't deserve any of them.

In these moments, I am so so glad to know I'm not alone.  I have a wonderful loving husband and family who has been willing to take time out of their own lives to come and help.  In the last few days I've also started reaching out with some of these feelings and fears to the moms I've meet since Colin was born.  It is such a huge help to know I'm not an island.

So thank you.  Thank you to everyone who has reminded me that I don't have to be perfect.  Thank you to everyone who has helped keep me and my family fed. Thank you for helping to entertain my big little guy so I can connect with my little little guy.  Thank you for being such a huge source of love and encouragement for our growing family!



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