Nursery 2.0

As I roll into my third trimester, we've started the task of creating another nursery!  Slowly, Colin's room has become "Colin's Room" instead of "The Nursery".

Nursery 2.0, the current "The Nursery," has been a wide range of rooms since we've moved into our house. It started off as 'The Game Room.'   During this phase, it hosted Big Buck Hunter and the inside of the closet got painted red.  Eventually BBH got evicted for loud random comments while I was trying to sleep.  Notabley "You got somethin' against women??"

It then had a short stint as storage for other random things.

In 2010, it housed my wedding dress from a hook that was randomly in the ceiling and had a warning sign on the door for Gavin to NEVER EVER ENTER.

In 2012, it was Cheryl's Room for a while.

Finally, it became "Round Room" after Nursery 1.0 progress started.  Sadly, I don't have pictures of it in this state.  Round bed was sold and Nursery 2.0 offically began!!

I seem to be really really bad at taking before pictures.  I'm not sure why.  Here's what I've got:

Choosing Colors

Hard at work!

One of the bigger challenges for us was the closet.  We needed to get rid of the red and reconfigure the hastily installed shelves. It took two coats of heavy primer, a few hastily drawn sketches, and at least one argument, but we got it done!

I really wanted shelving that would grow with the clothes and needs of a kids room.  I like this so far and I'm optimistic that it will fit the bill.

Next was wall paper.  I'd fallen in love with this sea creatures wall paper border and since we'd decided to skip the chair rail this time, we thought it'd be the perfect way to bring the height of the room down a bit.  Neither of us had ever worked with wall paper before, so of course there was lots of research, measuring, and more sketches! For some reason the border looks grey in this picture.  It's not, it's blue.  The sea green wall matches the shell on the turtle pretty closely and the I think it highlights the 'dolphin grey' walls beautifully.

Installing the wall paper was a bit challenging.  Several times Gavin commented on the advantages of having an Engineer in the family, particularly with setting lines accurately, measuring, and having a good plan.  (he didn't comment on the disadvantages, of which there are a few, especially with my tendency to treat wall paper installation with the same seriousness I devote to bridge construction...).

The specific challenge with installing this wall paper border was the scallop on the top and bottom.  I'd read in the reviews that people said it wouldn't stick at all and it was impossible to get even.  I used a very similiar technique as I'd used with the chair rail to align the paper and it worked really well.  I set my line at the bottom of the top scallop so when installed, the line would be completely hidden, but easy to check for levelness.  It worked great, although it was a two person job and it tried our patience a bit waiting for the glue to set enough for the paper to stick.  also We had to stick each scallop individually.  

So far, I love the results.  The room has a much different feel than Colin's room, but still feels both comfortable for a baby and 'growable.'  I had no idea how difficult it would be to pick out grey paint!  There are as many greys as whites!!  

Next steps are decor and furniture.  And before we know it, the occupant will be here!!

Pregnancy

I don't post often about pregnancy.  I feel like I have such a tenuous hold on this state of being.  It's almost like a dream, I'm afraid if I mention it too often, celebrate it too much, or even think about it too frequently it will slip from my grasp...

This was especially true when I was pregnant with Colin.  This time it's slightly different. maybe because it's not been very long.  In some ways, it all feels like one long pregnancy: like I've been pregnant since October of 2010 until now.  The big difference now is Colin, of course.  His miraculous, amazing, wonderful presences giving me hope, and joy everyday.

As for the specifics, as of my latest appointment, baby is doing great! Growing and kicking and moving.  My doctor is a little worried about my lack of weight gain and I have been asked to increase my calories and my protein intake.  My doctor specifically mentioned eating more red meat.  I had to laugh a little bit because I'm pretty sure that's the opposite advice I've been given my entire life regarding a healthy diet!

Today, I am nearly 22 weeks pregnant with our second baby.  I'm finally feeling great and magically, as it always seems to, the discomfort of the last few months, and those to come, seems distant and unlikely and not all that bad.  (Hormones are a funny thing).

Keeping growing baby.  We can't wait to meet you!

On the wonderful, maravouls night you were born...

The night Colin was born was magical.  It was also a bit of a blur.  He was born late and after a few moments in my arms was rushed off to NICU.  I was rolled up later to hold the precious miracle I'd waited so long for.

The book "On the Night You Were Born" by Nancy Tillman almost always makes me cry.  When I picture that night, though, it's normally the night we came home from the hospital that I imagine...

After a frantic few days in the hospital, it was dark by the time we were discharged.  We were escorted out by a hospital volunteer.  Colin in a little red wagon, me carefully walking along beside him (I'd escaped the wheel chair by just waving to my discharge nurse as the elevator doors closed on the maternity ward to take me to NICU).  We carefully snapped his car seat into the car.  Gavin played his Rolling Stones lullabies as I gingerly climbed in next to Colin.  The volunteer closed the car door behind me and we were alone as a family for the first time.  I leaned over my son and silent tears slid down my face as we waited at the parking kiosk.  

The very short ride home was uncomfortable, but I was enraptured by Colin.  We pulled onto our street.  I'd never loved our family, my husband, our home or the entry to our house as much as I did on the night.  It had rained just enough to make everything clean and wet and the Christmas lights glistened off the damp pavement and the dewy night air.  It was just foggy enough to give everything a slight of awe and magic.  

As we pulled into our drive way, I noticed the stork and balloons joyful welcoming us home.  The silent tears came faster and a little less silently.  We were welcomed home with love by both sets of grandparents who had light our Christmas tree and dimmed the lights inside perfectly to maintain the magical aura of the evening.  The welcomed us, kissed us and somehow slipped silently out, leaving us a preciously private few moments together as a family.

I rarely post without pictures, and there are pictures of our home coming.  But not a single one can capture even a fraction of the magic of that night.  The moments are etched in my memory and it will always be a particularly cherished moment.

"On the night you were born the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peaked in to see you and the night wind whispered, Life will never be the same, because there had never been anyone like you ever in the world..."     

Motherhood one month in

I can't believe it's been a month since my little man was born.  The days have flown by and it's been wonderful.

Colin is such a sweetie.  I love that he's becoming more aware and making eye contact more and more. He's grown so much already!  (I have a feeling that's going to be one of the most common feelings I have over the next, oh, 18 years or so).

Newborn

1 Month

Some things are just as I expected they would be.  Gavin and I trade off responsibilities and tasks pretty seamlessly   The pets are all adapting well and we've had no conflicts or problems with them.  I actually sleep more than I thought and overall my physical recovery has been speedier than I expected.  I can't believe the difference in how I feel from the last weeks of my pregnancy when everything was so uncomfortable and even moving was difficult.  I'm still trying to take it easy and things are not back to 'normal' yet, but overall I'm pleasantly surprised.  I'm looking forward to getting into an exercise routine after my six week check up.

Some things are much different than I expected.  Feeding is going incredibly well and despite our hangups at NICU, we have been exclusively breastfeeding since we've been home.  I thought there was pretty much no possibility of that and it's a pleasant surprise.  Colin is also much more easy going than I was expecting.  We read "Happiest Baby on the Block" (highly recommend it, by the way) at the suggestion of our pediatrician before Colin was born and I was fully expecting hours of an inconsolable baby.  Overall, baby only really cries when he's hungry (which is admittedly quite frequently) and only fusses occasionally and never for long stretches.  He loves to be held, and we love to hold him, so that works out well now although may not be sustainable forever.

I also wasn't expecting that I would be quite so different.  I'm not sure if it's just the hormones or what, but I am much more easy going than I've ever been and I deal with minor setbacks and problems much better than I ever have before.

I also wasn't expecting how necessary help would be, especially in the first few days.  Gavin and I have been incredibly lucky to have family around to take care of us and the things we haven't been able to do for ourselves.  I think we could have done it alone, but it would have been much more stressful and much less fun.  I will always be so grateful for all of the help and love our family has surrounded us with.

I have quickly formed opinions on some baby 'stuff.'  For example, I really wanted this close and cozy co-sleeper play yard.  Baby hates it and rarely sleeps in it.  I was a bit skeptical of wraps, particularly Moby, which I now own and adore and we spend at least an hour in each day.  I had no idea how valuable cloth diapers would be (not for diapering, but for every other thing possible).  I was also quite concerned about not having a stroller, since the Versa hasn't hit the shelves again yet, but we bought a snap and go and it's working great for right now (I'm really looking forward to having a proper stroller though!).  The boppy is great for photos, but I've never used it for feeding the baby.

I look at him and I still can't believe he's here.  It's amazing and slightly terrifying all at once.

I'm most looking forward to getting a bit more of a routine going.  I thrive on routine and while 'feed the baby, hold the baby, sleep' is technically a routine, I'd like to get on a sustainable routine someday soon.  I'm also curious to see how our plans for the new year hold up.  I feel Gavin and I have done a great job of discussing how we'd like things to go and then being incredibly flexible with how they are actually going.

Happy One Month Birthday, Colin!

Daddy

Gavin and my wedding day was, up until very recently, the happiest day of my life.  I love that man so much and I thought there was no way I could love him more than I did on that day.

I thought that until I saw him put flowers on Taylor's grave for the first time, until I saw him whispering to my belly as our baby grew, until I saw him hold our son.  

One of my fears, which I shared with Gavin, was that after the baby was born, everyone would forget about me and I would bleed out on the operating table (We thought for sure I'd be a C-section) while everyone held the baby.  What I didn't anticipate was that I would completely forget about me but that highly trained doctors would take care of me and baby.  When our son was born, and headed for NICU, I wanted his daddy to go with him.  I think it was a difficult moment for Gavin because he was still worried about me, and he knew I had gone into this afraid. I saw his heart being torn as he tried to figure out what to do.  "Go!" I urged him as the baby entourage rolled out of the delivery room. 

When I arrived in NICU a few hours later and saw Gavin holding our son, my heart swelled.  

I knew Gavin would be a great daddy, but he is even more incredible than I imagined.  In the hospital, he didn't eat, sleep or shower , he was so busy taking care of Colin and me when he could.  Since we've been home, he's taken care of me, done the chores I haven't been able to do, stayed up with the baby at night when I needed sleep, encouraged me when I was feeling frustrated, told me I was beautiful at least once a day, bought flowers, written love notes, and become the task master while I've floated through my new mommy euphoria.  I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side.  

Thank you, Gavin. I love you. <3

Everything has Changed.

On November 27th, 2012 at 9:23 pm, my life changed forever.

My son Colin Elijah was born.

Nothing could prepare me for that moment.  In a second, a flash, everything changed.

The last two years have been the hardest years of my life.  Losing the children we desperately wanted to meet and hold and raise shocked our marriage, our beliefs, and our very lives to the core.  There were many days I didn't think I'd survive.  There were times I didn't think Gavin and I would make it.  There are still many days I refuse to speak to or acknowledge my God.

During my pregnancy, several people made comments about Colin healing the hurts of the last two years and I angrily refuted the possibility.  Nothing can replace those we have lost.  On December 6th, we attended the annual memorial at the cemetery where our children are buried and as we sat in the candle light and held our miracle, I reaffirmed that nothing can replace them.  But I also learned that Colin has brought healing to a part of my heart I didn't think could heal.

I am reminded multiple times a day that Colin's presence is a miracle.  His tiny hands and prefect features a precious gift. And as I stare at him, learning his features, his sounds, his scent, I know that I am a different, better person because I am his mother.

A Nursery at Night.

One of my favorite things about our house is that we have recessed light in all of our ceilings.  In most of the rooms they are on a dimmer which allows us to adjust the lighting to suit the mood.  I especially love it in the nursery.

Low light photography is not really my forte, but the nursery in the evenings has been my favorite place to spend time with our little guy while we wait for him to make his official appearance and I want to capture a few shots of it before it's new resident arrives full time!

Baby has a mattress!  He won't need it for a while...

Where we spend our time talking most evenings

A closet full of clean clothes!

I love these color changing night lights.  We also have one in the hall.  

Baby's special book from Ms. Sara!  (Very cute, I highly recommend it) and jungle cross night light from Grandma.

See baby?  Everything's ready for you, so feel free to show up anytime!

Bobby and Heather's Wedding!

Last weekend Gavin and I were in a wedding for our friends Bobby and Heather.

As always, it was an adventure!  The night before the wedding I had almost an hour of contractions about 5-7 minutes apart... turned out to be false labor, but it was still a bit scary being 2 hours from the hospital and wondering 'is this it?'  It never felt bad enough to be it it, but I think we were both a little more nervous that we were letting on.

I was fine the next morning and we headed off for the wedding!

Sadly, I didn't get very many photos.  I was busy during the ceremony and I was a bit more tired than I anticipated during the reception and spent my time stuffing my face full of candy instead of taking pictures!

Still, I got a few I like.  I REALLY need to get some photo editing software.  I also need to stop being quite so lazy about framing my shots and adjusting my camera settings.  It's been ages since I've played with my camera and it feels like a stranger.  That needs to change quickly!!

The Bride and Groom!

These fancy people were there!

My Husband

I know he probably won't love this picture, but I like this picture of Gavin.  This was the first wedding we've attended since our wedding, and weddings are different when you are married.  I am so excited for Bobby for Heather, and at the same time, I am so excited for Gavin and me!  Several times during the wedding, I was reminded of our wedding day of our vows to each other. I am so lucky to have him by my side and I am so excited for our new adventure starting any day!!

I looked slightly like Violet from Willy Wonka, but here's a photo so you can judge for yourself!  The dress fit!!

Congratulations to Bobby and Heather!  Welcome to wedded bliss!

Showered with love

A few weeks ago my sister, mom, and Jen had a baby shower for me.

I was a little hesitant.  Some part of me wanted to continue 'not cursing' this. Somehow too much excitement or outward shows of it, at least, could cause the whole thing to come crashing down, right??

I'm so glad we did it!  It was amazing to have people around me so filled with excitement.  It was contagious.  It definitely helped shift my mindset to a more positive place.  (I've not been in a horribly negative place, just in a very private place.)  It was fun talking about baby and thinking about baby and having everyone excited to meet him.

I didn't take a single picture, but I have a few from my mom.  In other news, I feel like I look pretty good in person, but the camera sure isn't very kind to me!  Oh well.

The Pictures don't really do how cute it was justice, and my rather short narrative hasn't described all of the fun, but I've already put it off long enough!

It was a lovely day and I can't thank Jen, Cheryl and mom enough.  Love you all!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  Last weekend, Gavin and I participated in the OC Walk To Remember.

It's a painful and horrible truth that not every pregnancy results in a baby, and not every delivery in a bouncing baby.  Miscarriage is much more common than most people are aware and for many it's a devastating and life changing loss.  Our family will never be the same without the children we lost.

While I can't even put into words the joy I feel at the baby who's comforting me even now with his kicks and wiggles, it is not his job, and he will never, replace what we've lost.  As we look forward with hope and as much optimism as we can muster, we will always remember the path to get here and the miracles we never had the opportunity to meet face to face.

 

The Nursery Project: Step 3 a, Furniture

The last few weeks we've been working diligently on Nursery furniture.   It probably seems a bit odd to buy furniture we aren't even intending to use right away, but we've learned from experience that failure to furnish builds on itself until you've been in your house for 4 years and you still don't have furniture in your master bedroom....

We are on our second set of furniture.  The first set, which was specifically for a nursery was awful.  I think it was by Graco, but the problem was the dresser.  It was tiny and the drawers hardly opened at all!  The dresser we bought now is probably too big for a little guy, but a little guy is going to turn into a small guy who's going to turn into a bigger guy who will just keep growing and growing... (especially if his early growth is any indicator!)  Actually the other day I was picturing the dresser covered in skateboarding and sports stickers placed haphazardly by a teenager...

I also wanted some shelves in the closet.  When we moved Big Buck Hunter out of the other guest room, we installed wiring shelves which work pretty good, but it was a hassle and we decided we didn't really want to deal with it this time.

So here's photos of our latest progress!

Back half of the Closet (we added the second rail)

Front half of the closet

Furniture and Furry Friends!

The closet organizer is a section from Ikea.  (It's called Stuva).  I like the system because it's adjustable.  I'd originally wanted it to be a little bit shorter to allow for use of the rod above it, but we decided to add another rod to the back of the closet so we maintained approximately the same amount of rod space (technically it increased a few inches).  We also have the large dresser, so clothing storage shouldn't become a problem!  All of the clothes he owns are currently hanging in the closet in the picture shown above, so it looks like it will be a while before we fill it up!

We don't have a mattress yet.  We actually chose one yesterday, but decided it would be better to wait until it was on sale or we had a coupon (it's at Babies R Us and they send us a million coupons) since we won't be using it for a while anyway.

While they aren't furniture, they are pictured above... the animals are my favorite.  While you can't quite tell yet since the decor is just starting to come together, we decided to go with a jungle theme.  I feel in love with the Melissa and Doug Giraffe but I kept telling Gavin it was a bit ridiculous to get it.  I was telling my mom about it and she fell in love with the Lion (she's a big fan of Aslan of The Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe, and more importantly Who he represents).  As soon as the moratorium on shopping was lifted, he arrived on our doorstep, baby's first present!  Gavin decided he wanted the Giraffe too, so now baby will have two jungle friends to grow up to!

Penny doing her best Giraffe Pose

This is labeled Step 3 a because we are not done.  We are still searching for a book case and a chair.  (In the meantime, the closet organizer is serving as a bookshelf, but I'm hoping to quickly have too many books for this to be a long term solution!)  We also have a changing table that I didn't post any pictures of (primarily because it was covered in drills, hammers, and other miscellaneous hardware!).  I am excited to start working earnestly on the finishing jungle touches in the coming weeks!

The Nursery Project: Step 2, Painting

With Step 1 complete, it was time to Paint!

With our theme in mind, we'd decided we wanted the top half (two thirds, really) of the room blue and the bottom green.  We've had blue and green paint samples laying around our kitchen for a month, and as soon as we were done with the chair rail, we took them upstairs and decided on colors.

Planning for painting!

Like with the Chair rail, I had a plan and it included buying and testing samples.  I'm no designer and a 3" piece of paper isn't quite enough to give me a feel for the color and samples are a cheap way to make sure you don't end up with something you hate.

We immediately fell in love with the blue.  The green, not so much.  We bought more samples until we'd decided on our colors.  The wall was looking a bit festive by then.

Our first samples

Some of these colors anyway....

Painting isn't that difficult, it's not even that time consuming.  PREPARING to paint is the hard part.  I divided it up into several days because I get tired very easily lately.  Sanding, cleaning, caulking holes and taping... We'd learned some from our first painting project downstairs and were much better prepared this time around.

Before

Before

Before (Just look at that lovely Chair Rail!)

This time around we opted to only tape the base boards.  We got some advice on brushes and bought a 1" and a 1.5" Purdy brush for trimming and had pretty good results.  The chair rail gave us a little bit of difficulty.

Gavin and I started on our own on Saturday with the blue only.  I helped trim, although once we started rolling, the paint smell was a bit strong so Gavin kicked me out.

Not before I took his picture!!

It took all day Saturday (with a break for 5 guys burgers) to trim the room and apply two coats of paint, but we had a great time together.  It's a little annoying that it takes hours and hours to trim and then the walls roll in about an hour, but the results were nice:

It's Blue!

On Saturday, we enlisted help.  Bobby and Heather came for Green Day!

The green was darker, and I had anticipated (correctly) that we would need three coats.  Unfortunately I still over estimated how much paint we would need and we ended up with a bunch of extra green paint!

Not enough Green!

I'd learned from our previous painting project that a central supply station/work area was important, so we set up a table.  I think it helped tremendously to keep the house clean and everything organized. 

I LOVE the results.

We aren't huge painters, and there are some rooms in our house that we will hire someone to paint (hopefully soon!) but the nursery isn't that large and it was great to be able to do it ourselves (I didn't help much on Sunday, truthfully, but I was there in spirit and in plan!)