Everything has Changed.

On November 27th, 2012 at 9:23 pm, my life changed forever.

My son Colin Elijah was born.

Nothing could prepare me for that moment.  In a second, a flash, everything changed.

The last two years have been the hardest years of my life.  Losing the children we desperately wanted to meet and hold and raise shocked our marriage, our beliefs, and our very lives to the core.  There were many days I didn't think I'd survive.  There were times I didn't think Gavin and I would make it.  There are still many days I refuse to speak to or acknowledge my God.

During my pregnancy, several people made comments about Colin healing the hurts of the last two years and I angrily refuted the possibility.  Nothing can replace those we have lost.  On December 6th, we attended the annual memorial at the cemetery where our children are buried and as we sat in the candle light and held our miracle, I reaffirmed that nothing can replace them.  But I also learned that Colin has brought healing to a part of my heart I didn't think could heal.

I am reminded multiple times a day that Colin's presence is a miracle.  His tiny hands and prefect features a precious gift. And as I stare at him, learning his features, his sounds, his scent, I know that I am a different, better person because I am his mother.